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Thursday, October 17, 2013

Feelings Can Bite Me

I'm missing the days that I did who and what I wanted... Not getting attached, having fun, not having regrets and just living.
Now... I put my heart back out on my sleeve and it got poked.  Not poked in a good way. 
Since my heart has been out wandering around, it's grown... Maybe to a normal size heart. And now... It won't fit back in it's box.
That's fucking awesome.
It's just going to be out there on the loose getting poked, prodded, kicked, stepped on and gum stuck to its little heart shoes. 
I have a good heart, I know that, that's why I've guarded it so closely... I suppose it's the rest of me that's not worthy. 
How does one get their brain and their heart on the same plane? 

Sunday, October 13, 2013

Dead Inside

Well I've discovered that I am, in fact, dead inside, emotionally.
This was the icing on the cake, after turning down a self professed "hot" attorney....

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Things Are Getting Better

The fog is finally beginning to lift.

I’ve had a few friends talk to me; help me not internalize this situation quite so much.

I just don’t understand why I want someone that doesn’t want me? That’s just crazy, I cause myself more pain than is necessary… I feel like a masochist sometimes.

But in my last communication with him, he said something that really hurt me… maybe I didn’t know him as well as I thought, he obviously didn’t care about me.  Maybe I was just trying to make the relationship in to what I wanted it to be, but something that it could never be.

I do KNOW this; he liked it when he was with me. 

Did that scare him? 

Was I fun but just not loveable?  

Perhaps I will never know and I just have to accept that.

I was as good as I knew how to be, I did nothing to hurt him, just like I promised that I wouldn’t, and he was the one who hurt me… if that wasn’t good enough, there’s not much I can do about it. 

I was me, and I’m not for everyone.

Does it still sting?? Fuck yes it does.

Do I still feel shitty about myself?? Fuck yes I do.

Do I wonder if I’ll ever be good enough? Every moment of every day.

But a friend said this to me “You are sexy, it is your superpower, use it for good.”

I can’t say that I concur, but it felt good to hear it, from someone that didn’t have to say anything.

I’ve been asked out a few times, I haven’t accepted yet… but I am taking a road trip to Jersey with a friend next week… kind of an up and back thing, but it will be good just to get away… and I love a road trip J.

Half a smile is better than none, right???